“BOUNDARIES BOOTCAMP.”

TO GET COMFY SAYING NO, START SAYING YES.

“It sounds like you need to set some boundaries,” they say as you find yourself ruminating angrily over what your mom said to you at the last family dinner, or as you vent about how you let that one energy-vampire of a human do that thing you said you weren’t putting up with anymore, or when you find yourself butt hurt over the most recent, less than exhilarating feedback on your project at work (that you’ve been busting your ass over for weeks.)

Boundaries are the things that people recommend you seek out when they think that you’re so fed up with the outside world that you can no longer stand to watch like a bystander. they also recommend boundaries when they cannot stand to witness you let the same shit in different fonts happen to you again, and again. They listen and say this same line in hopes that it might be the exact shovel you need to help dig yourself out of the mud pit that you jumped into thinking it would all be fine and fun. They might not even know what it truly means, but they do mean the best, and underneath the sentence that feels redundant, they’re not wrong either – in fact, they’re right. You should set some boundaries.

In the world of The Dictionary, Boundaries are noted as “lines” set to mark the limits of a specific area. So as humans do, we came up with our own acceptable translation of that definition that can fit into our complex world of emotions and relationships. for many it is: “I say no to this So that i can Avoid That.” Makes sense. But really, that definition only regards the stuff that sits before this metaphorical line that the literary definition speaks of. Stay with me here. If you’re defining boundaries as “saying no” again and again, it’s almost as if you’re turning that Line into a huge stone wall, blocking yourself out from any opportunities at all that live beyond the line, on the other side, even the good ones. So is this method of defining boundaries a productive one? or, is it an excuse that makes staying cooped up in your sphere of comfort sound enlightened and mature? What would it feel like to redefine boundaries? what if instead of saying no, Setting boundaries meant saying Yes?

All of my life, until about 2 or 3 years ago, I had no concept of what boundaries meant for me, or what they could do for my life. I remained an anxious person who just let friends, family, and peers do as they pleased around me, regardless of if i felt comfortable with it or not.

one day, I had heard from a therapist online, Regrettably whose name i cannot remember, say that setting boundaries could help curb this discomfort and social anxiety i felt when interacting with others, especially in conversations i wasn’t keen to. They made it sound like these boundary things would be my ticket to conversating peacefully. But at the time, to me, setting boundaries meant i would be saying “no” to all of these people and interactions of whom’s opinion i evidently cared far too much for. saying such, was absolutely not a muscle i had Trained yet.

I went a while longer ignoring the power of boundaries out of fear of saying no to the people in my life, until one day I heard it reframed in a way that felt far more comfortable and acceptable to me.

Melody Godfred, in her book, The ABC’s of Self love, changed how i thought about this forever. After getting to just the second letter of her book, I had a new definition to sit with: Setting boundaries means saying YES to what you do want in your life, not just saying no to what you don’t. Mind. Blown. It was in that moment that boundaries felt safe enough for me to at least attempt.

In order for me to figure out what I wanted to say “yes” to in my life more often, I had to physically sit down and analyze when i felt good in human interaction, and on the contrary when i did not feel so good. i thought about the most recent times i felt lit up from conversation, and those of which i felt triggered. This exercise proved quite easy. after all, I could always remember who made smile and who pissed me off. But what was it about each interaction that upwelled such feelings?

I decided it was tone, word choice, listening skills, and whether or not i perceived the person i was conversating with as kind, to be the things that dictated a connotation of goor or bad on my interactions.

Because saying “no” still felt quite scary to me, i looked at the list i made in my notebook and got more specific with what i was saying “yes” to, from that day forward. As a person who naturally steers clear of negative personalities and energies, i decided i was saying “yes” to: smiley people, Conversations that made me feel heard, words of affirmation before a topic change, eye-contact, and energy that felt neutral or well intended. Then, i had to actually practice saying “yes,” to these things.

So i ventured out on a mission to be a healthy boundary, “yes” kind of a girl. I began talking to more of the smiley, listener-type, eye-contact, nice people, as a start. This was the most plausible beginning. I knew who these people were in my life, and I knew where I could *probably* find new ones too. My best friend, my partner, another close-ish Friend, and my mother (Most of the time) were my starting group. I also knew that A barista at my favorite coffee shop radiated this energy, as well as a co-worker at a yoga studio that I taught at, at the time.

Then came the subtle transformation. With no clear game-plan, I simply tried to insert myself into more interactions with these people, and with others whom i found to carry similar traits. Saying “yes” to this kind of behavior, which for me meant sharing and engaging more with these people, started to become my new standard; what i dished out to others was what i hoped to receive back from them too. It wasn’t until I crossed paths with an interaction that, for no reason, was not smiley, nor listen-like, nor filled with eye-contact, nor at all nice for that matter, that I noticed the impact of the work I had been doing. In the past if i met an interaction like this, I would’ve gotten flustered, started shaking a bit, and had to excuse myself to the bathroom to down-regulate and recover. but in this particular moment, it was very different, I was very different. i felt a sort of bubble go between me and this person, and not in a “I don’t agree with you so I’m putting on my mute mode,” kind of way. It was instead in a way of saying to myself, “pause, I know this kind of interaction does not make me feel good or safe, so let me choose how much energy to spend here.” It didn’t feel emotional. it felt like I was just a witness to this person’s moment, and I could pick how to interact. And at last, a boundary was formed, all because I learned how to ritually say “yes.”

pause. However, I do think it is important to note that if you’re creating emotional and conversational boundaries for yourself, you must be careful that you’re not just “shutting down” in the midst of hearing an opinion that differs from yours. Boundaries, to me, are not meant to be a tool of avoidance, but rather intention. A differing opinion and a rude encounter are very different, and should be treated as such. All that to say, you get to choose where to spend your words, time, and energy, and boundaries simply make that process easier and faster. It is extremely possible to hear outside perspectives that do not align with you, and still kindly conversate, without feeling like you need to remove yourself completely. Okay. resume.

If you think about it very logically, this whole concept makes a lot of sense. If you continually say “yes” to interactions that feel respectful and worth your energy, then it will be a lot easier to sniff out those that feel like the opposite. hence, it will also be easier to implement your response, a.k.a, your boundary. In a far-fetched way, it’s sort of like if you’ve been drinking the ‘gut-healthy’ version of your favorite soda for a few months, and then someone puts a cup of the real stuff in front of you; you’ll be able to tell pretty quickly that this cup is not what you’ve been making yourself used to, and you can then react according to what would make you feel best moving forward. In an essence, the more you say yes to a great thing, the easier it is to Realize that you want to say “no” to the opposite, and the easier it is to actually say it… even if you don’t use that word, which brings me to our final insight of this concept, for now.

The more we learn to say “yes” with intention, the more comfortable we eventually get with just saying “no.” After practicing and practicing this approach we’ve spoken about, I noticed it far easier to stand my ground when it was necessary. I might not have said ” you know what, no!” and sassily stormed out of the room, but I did add the following phrases to my vernacular: “That’s not something I feel like I want to discuss with you right now,” as well as “I’ve actually been working a lot on ___ within myself, so ___ doesn’t feel necessary or productive for me,” and my favorite, “That’s not really a part of my experience.” Feel free to take those phrases and stash them away in your conversational tool-kit. And a reminder: saying “no” is not bossy, nor too strong, nor rude, nor something to be ashamed of, it is on the contrary, a power move; your journey to getting comfortable with saying so is an independent one – this is just what brought peace and ease to Me.

At the end of it all, we’re all just trying to maneuver our way through life finding the most joy, and doing the least harm as possible. But doing the least harm doesn’t just mean unto others, it also refers to you. So be bold and start saying “yes” to yourself, to others, and to interactions that feel good in your body. Do it loud and often, for a while. Then, one day soon, feel how easy it is to also navigate conversations that you want to say “no” to.

So hey, maybe It IS time You get some boundaries?

Food for thought. Thanks for hearing this.

With love,

Madeleine

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SOURCE(s):

Godfred, Melody. The ABCs of Self Love. January 4, 2022. Andrew McMeel Publishing.

https://a.co/d/0KhwkB8

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