“PLEASE, (DON’T) EXPLAIN.”

WHY DO WE FEEL THE NEED USE MORE WORDS TO VALIDATE OUR WORDS?

The moment after you finally decide to take the plunge and share your thoughts in the circle, and nobody responds. The inevitable urge that bubbles to water down your own words when your friend’s face reads that they disagree with your hot-take, the one that you thought they would support (that you really do fully believe in). The silence you feel the need to shatter when the family dinner table learns of your newest career change or big life decision.

The common denominator here: the “need” to explain yourself.

Whether it’s out of a deep-rooted fear that the group won’t favor you anymore because of your perspective, or an erupting urge to prove to everyone that you really are confident in what you’re saying or doing next because you just KNOW deep down inside that they disapprove (or do they?), the question remains – WHY do we feel the need to explain ourselves constantly, begrudgingly, monotonously?

Imagine what life, more specifically our human interactions, would feel like if we simply said or did what felt true, compassionate, and aligned for us because of the simple fact that it felt true, compassionate, and aligned for us… and then just let it be, with no need to detail every little reason why, or how you plan to avoid every reason why not. 

When we look at the reflex to “just explain” at every impasse of disagreement, discomfort, or lack of real understanding, it seems to all come back to one of these three things: fear of silence, fear of doing the damn thing without the support of the people who you thought would, or insecurity in our own decision making skills. Each of those things are rooted in what I believe to be a lack of conviction; conviction in the fact that we are capable, that we are valid, and that we trust ourselves.

See, when you genuinely follow the road of believing that you are capable, the urge to prove to everyone around you that you are, with even more words, shrinks smaller – you already know you can do this, you’re just letting the people you love know because this new thing excites you. When you practice validating yourself in your beliefs and opinions, instead of searching for it in the form of “I love that thought”-s and “you should totally go for it”-s, you simply hold that thing close and live your life through its lens – you think what you think and you no longer feel a sense to prove that it’s right. And when you feel what it is like to fully trust yourself with your life and your decisions, you are set free to speak, move, and intend in the way you ultimately and soulfully desire – you do not require the trust or support of others to soar, though it’s certainly nice to have, make no mistake.

Now, this does not apply to uneducated debates in which you hide your half-researched, frankly harmful opinion behind “I don’t need to explain myself to you,”… time and place, people, time and place. Discernment exists for a reason. You can feel deep down if you’re using this idea as an excuse for doing wrong or as a permission slip to do good.

Saying without proving until your word-bank is dry, and doing without looking around to make sure everyone else is holding up your safety net; this is freedom, this is confidence, this is enlightenment. Because suddenly it doesn’t matter how the outside world responds to your steps, and you can take the ones you want without a leash held by everyone in your life that only lets you travel so far.

Like all skills, not feeling the need to jump into explaining yourself right after you share something is learned and practiced, and this column wouldn’t truly be benefitting anyone in this world if I didn’t share some ways you can tangibly integrate the things I write about into your life, so here, my fellow perfectly-imperfect humans, are three ways you can start to become the human who doesn’t explain every little thing they’re choosing:

1. Go to a mirror, brush your hair, put on some lip balm, and stand up tall. Now tell yourself exactly what you want and how you feel about it. Do it two or three times to get comfortable watching, and hearing yourself declare what’s next. Example: “I’ve decided I’m interested in getting Reiki-certified. I feel energized by the idea of learning about this practice, and I’m eager to spread this ancient wisdom in my community.” 
2. A real life conversation practice – the next time you find yourself in a conversation where you’ve bravely shared what you think or what you plan to do and you receive a projection of worry from another person like “well how do you plan on xyz?” or “aren’t you worried about…” save the energetically draining over-explanation and simply choose to say: “Here’s what I keep my focus on…” or “I allow myself to learn through experience.”
3. Finally, a meditative practice – bring yourself to a quiet space by yourself for 5-10 minutes and get comfortable (this can be on the toilet on your lunch break – it really doesn’t matter). Close your eyes, place one hand on your heart, and one hand on your belly, take 10 slow, intentional deep breaths, and notice how you fill your body more towards your edges with each one. Then let your body (not your mind) feel what it’s like to have what you’re aiming for, or what it’s like to tell your truth. Imagine you’ve said it, imagine you’ve done it. Does it feel warm? Tingly? Charged? By doing this you are getting comfortable with your true feelings and desires, and when you are more comfortable sitting with those things on the inside, you tend to feel more empowered to let them exist on the outside without apology (or explanation).

At the heart of all of this, isn’t releasing the need to explain over and over an act of self love? A practice of protecting your energy? Empowerment through knowing that your words and actions are thoughtful and intentional, and don’t need a whole bunch else to prove them? From this perspective, letting your choices stand on their own is a gift to yourself, and a building block of true contentment and confidence.

Afterall, would all of those extra words you felt the need to speak really make you feel better about what you’re doing or saying… or would it just ease the part of your mind that believes others perpetually misunderstand you?

Food for thought. Thanks for hearing this. 

With Love, Madeleine.

Zoom In To You. letters to better ourselves and to help us travel inward.